Likea female tennis player, this guy releases a Satan-like queef-moan withevery rep he takes. He makes that real butch-manly chick you broughthome sound like that little, annoying, rat-like chick you brought home.

9. The Girl Who Can Kick Your Ass

Youalways have to make sure she's distracted by hitting on one of the hugetrainers before you do start your reps. This way she won't be able tolaugh at you. No normal guy really wants to a bang a chick that cankick their ass anyways. They already possess the mental powers ofpersuasion and irrational logic. With the addition of hulk strengthyour penis becomes officially just for show.

8. The Napoleon Bro-naparte

Theguy who can't grow past 5'5" makes up for it by growing outward.Frenetically insecure, the steroids he's probably on make him veryemotionally unstable. If you watch him do sets you can hear his screamsof pent-up rage as the weights go up. This is then followed by intensecrying of Maury Povich proportions as the weights come down. He is mostlikely wearing a lacrosse jersey or something made by Abercrombie.Either way it won't have sleeves.

7. The Guy Doing Pointless Exercises

Thisguy stands there with the bright red eight pound Fisher Price dumbbellsand spins them in circles over his head at random. This guy clearly hasno idea what he is doing. He is a danger to himself and everyone in thegym and probably won't ever see results. But he will hop on a machineright after you to try and imitate what you were just doing. After likefour reps of doing it wrong he'll give up and try to copy someone elseand experience the same outcome. He will eventually figure out how todo the chest machine that is generally only found in the workout roomof a Best Western before he goes into the spin room to do eight jumpingjacks and 15 jump ropes. For some reason this guy almost always wearsglasses.

6. The Old Guy

Fullyequipped with his bright white Saucony sneakers and a pair of khakis,this old man is ready to do what he calls "working out." He will sit onthe arm bike, with or without an oxygen tank, shooting out looks thatcan make any bro feel guilty for being young.

5. The Girl Who Just Hangs Out

Whenthese girls grow tired of their regular routine of not eating, theyhead to the gym. Usually gathered by the smoothie bar, or at worst aVitamin Water vending machine, these girls mostly love to exercisetheir credit cards. Like the majority of women they consider exercisingcarrying around the six dresses from their maybe pile at Sak's for 30minutes. They use the gym as an excuse to dress up in their cute gymoutfits, check out guys and of course make all their other friends feelbad about themselves by telling them how long they were at gym for.

4. The Guy with B.O.

Everygym has a guy that just fucking reeks. He is always wearing the samehigh school water polo team shirt that probably hasn't been washedsince he took it out from the bottom of his locker in 1996.Coincidentally, this asshole is always working the same muscle groupsas you. So not only do you have to be immersed in his perpetual stinkcloud, but you have to share equipment with him. You try to stay onemachine ahead of him, but he always snipes your machine as soon as yougo to the water fountain. When he gets up, the seat is covered in apuddle of sweat and it smells like someone banged an Indian RosieO'Donnell with a strap on made of wet garbage that ejaculates congealedmilk.

3. The Gym D.J.

2. The Flexer

TheFlexer is probably the douchiest member of this list. The ex-highschool jock turned frat boy now working at Goldman Sachs just standsand stares at himself in the mirror for most of his tenure at the gym.He usually only wears a wife beater or a cut-off that's so cut off it'ssimply a t-shirt collar with a tampon string connecting it to seams atthe bottom. However, his routineis pretty extensive. He flexes in the mirror with his head slightlytilted back until the next Dave Matthew's song comes on his iPod Nano.He repeats this for about four to five sets before wiping his brow witheither of his two sweatbands. Note: He can also be a Guido.

1. The Guy Who Leads The Spin Class

Spinclass? Com'on, bunch of hampsters on a wheel. Yeah, I'm gonna ride abike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast, and, oh yeah, I'm not gonna goanywhere!! Yeah, and I when I walk out, I wanna put a bunch of metalonto a metal bar and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.He also dresses like a bumble bee bitch and probably doesn't have any80s music, just a bunch of goddam dance mixes. It's all good though,I've got a Steve Winwood CD in my car.......I've got boxes full ofPepe!

Honorable mentions:

Theguy who uses the "Yes/No" machine that you thought was only for chicks.You know, the one where girls sit and spread their legs and then closethem and pretend like they are denying someone access to their hole.Also make sure to notice the assholes that stand at the water fountainfilling up their entire water bottle and anyone wearing lifting gloves.